Harry Potter and the AbBuster 4000
by awsomecool
Summary: A day in the life of our favorite magical misfits.


Harry Potter and The Ab-Buster 4000

"Forsooth!" swore Hermione, "Thou must arise from thus bedding!"

"Ahhh!" said Harry. "Oh, hello Hermione. I thought you were the Dark Lord, come to kill me in my sleep. I guess I have to wait longer for my suffering to end…"

"Merry Christmas," yelled Ron. "I got you something. It's not an ornament."

Harry wiped the spittle from his face and said, "Thanks. I'm still depressed, and you don't understand me, and Ron is disgusting."

"I know," yelled Ron happily.

And what a Christmas it was! Mrs. Weasley had sent them all sweaters that were hand-knit with love. The trio enjoyed lighting them on fire with Ron's cigarette lighter. Doby also sent Harry a sweater made out of socks and dryer lint.

"Ha ha! A pretty feat that!" said Hermione. "Perchance thy admirers of the slobbering nature wouldst derive enjoyment from such a peculiarity."

Harry smiled sadly, and opened the window next to his bed. A resounding cheer arose when the soulless fans that lived at the bottom of the tower saw him lean out. Sighing Harry tossed the sweater down below and watched the ensuing bloodbath with a glazed expression.

After devouring their chocolate animals, and playing with the peasant that Hermione gave Ron, the three friends (?) went to potions class.

"You are 4 hours late," sneered Snape kindly, "10 points from Griffindor."

"That's so unfair!" Harry whined.

"Don't you make it 11!" Snape threatened.

"What are you going to do? Sever-us?" yelled Ron.

Snape chuckled to himself, "I will kill you."

After everyone had a good laugh, potions class began. Ron was having particular trouble with his potion. He looked wistfully at the perfect yellow mixture that Hermione was stirring, and sighed.

"Do not be down-trodden'd," said Hermione, "Lemonade is difficult to compose."

A secondary character nudged Harry and handed him a note. Startled from his dark thoughts, Harry looked at it blankly before realizing what it was. The words seemed to jump of the page. It read as follows:

HARRY POTTER!

YOU ARE A PIECE OF POO!

XOXO

DRACO

Across the classroom, Draco waved foppishly. He had decided to wear his favorite periwinkle robes with a magenta scarf Harry was sure he had once seen on an old woman in Hogsmead. Harry wondered if Draco's family had killed the woman; it was a common saying there wasn't anything the Malfoys wouldn't do for fashion. And also that they killed people.

"What this?" slimed Snape, as he greasily pawed the paper. "Passing notes in class, Potter I'm ashamed."

Snape and the class roared with delight, Malfoy's squeal the loudest of all.

"Hmm…. Calling yourself a piece of poo, ehh Potter? You know self-loathing is against Hogwarts rules."

"Oh, but professor, my life is misery," Harry whined.

"Now Harry, you're beginning to sound like me!" Snape said with a slop.

Once again the class was in stitches. Harry chuckled too. It was a good joke. Snape was Harry's favorite teacher, even though he abused him every single class. Of course, Snape was everyone's favorite teacher. All the 1st year girls, and possibly Draco, had horrible crushes on the potions master. They all followed him around the school and cherished the grease marks he left on their papers.

After sampling all the potions, ("Neville! This tastes like beer! Good job!") Snape slunk back into his office. The class sighed because the best part of their day was over, and collectivly moped out of the classroom. Everything seemed pointless after potions class. Ron cried quietly to himself and Hermione drunk herself into a stupor. Even Malfoy was downtrodden and could only manage one "you're a piece of poo." Harry, of course, was exactly the same.

Then they saw Voldemort. He was drinking out of the drinking fountain.

"Oh boy!" yelled Ron.

"Forsooth!" said Hermione.

"Let's get him," said Harry.

"Do you think lilac is a good color for me?" said Draco.

The trio of heroes (and everybody else) quickly decided on a cunning plan. It was crazy enough that it could even work!

Moving like a porpoise with purpose, Ron rolled in between Voldy and the fountain and Harry pushed. Voldemort had a look of surprise as he fell into the Lake of a Thousand Horrible Deaths that was under the drinking fountain.

"That should kill you for now!" yelled Ron.

"Hooray!" cheered the secondary characters.

Suddenly, Dumbeldore appeared out of nowhere.

"I hide in the walls!?" he said.

"Gangsta!" said the general student body.

"I believe I just saw you children defeat Voldemort! Good job! I hope you washed your hands!?"

"Scholar?" Hermione asked. "If I were as a lion, that is to say: as bold, the article of a champion wouldst be that which for I asked: both cold and sweet as winter wheat, yet doth refresh me soul."

"What?" said Dumbeldore.

"Can we have ice cream?" yelled Ron.

"Oh! Ice cream! Of course not! Ice cream costs money, and if there's one thing this school doesn't have, its' a puppy. Puppies are a lot of responsibility!"

"But professor…" Harry began.

"Shut up! You have a new exchange student. Her name is 12 year old girl, and she's from Muggle America," said Dumbledore.

"Oh, not America!" said Draco. "The last American here was a piece of poo."

"Actually, she is amazing. And you will all fall in love with her. Even though she is immature, violent, and not attractive," said Dumbledumdle.

"Huzzah!" screamed everyone.

"She should be bursting out of Hagrids' forehead any time now," Dumbdooor said matter-of-factly.

"Woi ello oll you studens!" said a jovial Hagrid. Then he screamed, and a girl of possibly 11 years or 13 popped out of his forehead. She shyly looked at the students from behind Hagrid's unconscious body.

"Are you 12 year old girl?" Ron bellowed.

She smiled shyly, nodded, and caused everyone to fall in love with her.

"Well I'll be a pedophile," said Dumbider.

Later, after 12 year old girl was given the choice of being forced into Gryffindor, and Ron finally shut up about his amazing adventure into the school's plumbing system and passed out, Harry and 12 year old girl were finally alone. Except for Nevile, but they agreed that he wasn't a real person.

"Harry, I have a secret I want to tell you," whispered 12 year old girl.

"Don't," said Harry, looking up from his drawing on Ron's transfiguration homework.

"I'm can change into any animal, including magical creatures. Also, I'm going to kill Voldemort. Oh, and I love you."

Harry looked deep into 12 year old girls' eyes and said, "Well I hate you, like I hate everything. Get away from me. You're immature, violent and not attractive, especially with that goatee."

"But… I like my goatee, and you're supposed to fall in love with me!" 12 year old girl sobbed. She sobbed into Harry's robes, until, disgusted, Harry shoved her to the floor.

"Leave me alone, you don't know what its like to be me!" Harry said nasally, "Why doesn't anyone understand?"

"No one wants to, you blasphemous fa-reak!" said Jesus, "for practicing witchcraft I'm gonna blow this place down!"

Suddenly, the ground shook, and the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry ceased to exist, due to an explosion. A silence fell over the now depressing grounds. Then something stirred in the rubble.

The entire school popped out of the remains.

"It's a good thing I made Hogwarts out of marshmallows!" said Dumbledoom.

"Oh darn, you aren't all dead," said Harry.

Everyone laughed and laughed. Then they made s'mores out of the shattered shell of Hogwarts.

"I doth fear, though perchance unreasonably, that, though sweet to the mouth and sugar tooth, thus treats do not a gullet good," said Hermione.

"Yeah! They do make you look fat!" yelled Ron.

The End


End file.
